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These facts represent the best work we've done in the last 8 or so years. It's a combination of the most successful (best user feedback) and the ones I like the most. They're not in any particular order, however. Enjoy!
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08-27-09 |
94% of people who eat Snickerdoodles don't realize they're made by having a poodle and a candy bar hump. |
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05-06-07 |
The US military has created new "Emotionally Smart Bombs" which can determine how much a particular target deserves to get blown up. |
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10-08-08 |
Buddhist suicide bombers would be the worst because they'd keep coming back and blowing themselves up. |
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07-15-08 |
If humans ever meet an alien race that is 80% sponge, we're screwed. |
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06-21-07 |
The most popular last meal request from death row inmates is "anything that makes you immune to lethal injection." |
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07-12-10 |
A boob the hand is worth two in the shirt. |
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08-17-06 |
M. C. Escher and his wife spooned more perfectly than any other couple in history. |
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03-26-10 |
Poppy seed muffins set off drug tests because employers don't want to hire people who have such bad taste in muffins. |
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12-03-09 |
Airlines charge a "gigantic pussy tax" if your bags weigh under 10 pounds and you still rolled them behind you. |
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12-01-06 |
After being repeatedly sued, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has stopped bundling Windows Media Player 9 with all the food and medicine they send to Africa. |
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05-02-06 |
JFK only had sex with 12 women, but in 2006 women, that's over 30,00. |
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07-17-09 |
After the invention of atomic weapons, God created short skirts and bikinis to ensure men never got much done again. |
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10-06-08 |
Although dolphins, pigs, and some monkeys can do it for pleasure, humans are the only animals that have sex for revenge. |
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09-20-07 |
More people die in cars than in planes, especially during transatlantic travel. |
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03-27-11 |
Santa Clause has a younger brother named Jeff who works at a 7/11 and doesn't check your ID if he thinks you've been good. |
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03-21-11 |
After somebody abused the privilege, the Make-A-Wish Foundation now tells all cancer patients that they can't wish for more wishes. |
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05-11-10 |
Hanging your keys on a carabiner makes them feel like they're spelunking in your jeans. |
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02-10-07 |
Aretha Franklin once composed a song called "Reciprocity," but never performed it because it was just too hard to spell. |
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12-05-09 |
Rodin's "The Thinker" is mostly contemplating whether or not to go out with Venus de Milo, since there's so little chance of a hand job. |
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12-05-08 |
Threesomes are just a way of bringing the safety of The Buddy System to going down on somebody. |
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05-08-10 |
Behind every dark cloud there is the tropopause and the mesosphere, but no silver linings. |
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05-07-10 |
Whenever a traffic cone is put on the ground, the earth feels like it's wearing a little hat. |
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03-25-05 |
When Houdini was born, he held out a pair of opened hand cuffs and said "ta-da!" |
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01-04-05 |
Philips never intended for the Sonicare Toothbrush to clean teeth. |
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02-28-08 |
Photography isn't an art; it's just noticing art and quickly putting a camera between yourself and it. |
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03-05-07 |
After being lambasted by art critics for her work "Mommy and Daddy Holding Hands by a Tree," three-year-old artist Joanna O'Brien took her own life and the life of her blankie. |
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08-12-04 |
Repeating the mantra "nothing bad befalls the chosen one" during intercourse decreases your partner's chance of getting pregnant by 94%! |
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06-05-09 |
Potted plants are a great way to brighten a room, provided you enjoy watching something slowly die and knowing it's your fault. |
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07-03-09 |
Hooters announced plans to open a chain of upscale restaurants called Pretty Waitresses Who Call You Sir And Aren't Giving It Away. |
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07-12-09 |
No matter what you search for on WebMD, the first result should always say "You're a hypochondriac. Go back to bed." |
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09-27-09 |
Keanu Reeves is really hurt by everybody saying he's a bad actor, but nobody can tell. |
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10-12-09 |
Freegans live entirely on free things including food from trash cans, furniture from dumpsters, and public ridicule. |
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06-14-08 |
When somebody tells you you're one in a million, they're saying there are 35 people just like you in California alone. |
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11-18-07 |
Recent studies confirm that while The Man *is* trying to keep you down, The System keeps him from doing it effectively. |
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09-08-07 |
The most common phrase ever conveyed in smoke signals is "You don't know what we're sayin', white people." |
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05-28-07 |
Contrary to popular opinion, some things that don't kill you weaken you so you're easier to kill later. AIDS, for example. |
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11-19-06 |
Studies have indicated that concealed weapon laws do deter would-be criminals from robbing someone who has accidentally shot himself in the pelvis. |
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02-18-07 |
87% of math majors believe that asking a girl out is harder than dividing by zero. |
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05-07-05 |
If you know their weaknesses (e.g.: the skull), taking candy from a baby becomes much easier. |
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01-19-08 |
If a doctor eats an apple a day, his body slowly vanishes. |
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09-04-07 |
On Friday, NASA launched an unmanned vehicle that will fly to the moons of Jupiter and, if it finds life there, make creepy patterns in their corn fields. |
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12-10-07 |
Conceding that "the future" has come and gone, Dippin' Dots changed its slogan to "Ice cream that's slightly harder to eat." |
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04-24-06 |
Once Evel Knievel went down on a girl for 12 hours straight. He suffered 15 broken bones, 2 compound fractures, and a torn meniscus. |
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08-18-07 |
The phrase "That's what she said" refers to a young woman from Bakersfield, CA who has indeed said every sexual phrase imaginable. |
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08-31-06 |
If Mr. Potato Head ever goes to prison, he better watch out for Mr. Artichoke Cock. |
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